By Buck Passon, Senior Correspondent for The Blame Game & Professional Finger-Pointer In a coordinated global effort that took less time to organize than a basic healthcare plan, world leaders have stepped onto their respective podiums to deliver a unified message: "Don't panic, but also, look what you've done." The "Global Incident" (the details of which are being kept vague to ensure maximum anxiety) has reached a fever pitch, leading to a three-pronged communication strate

By Professor P.H. Diddly-Squat, Chair of Revisionist Hairlines at the University of Trust Me We’ve all been told the story: John Locke, the "Father of Liberalism," sat down in 1689 and wrote about natural rights and the social contract, paving the way for modern democracy. But our team of "Historical Truth-seekers" has uncovered a much more bureaucratic reality. John Locke wasn't a philosopher; he was the first-ever Corporate Compliance Officer for the Planet Earth. 1. The "T

By Dr. Sugarcoat Silencer, Professor of Acoustic Candy & Cranial Resonance At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the tech world was "awed" by a lollipop that uses bone conduction technology to play licensed music inside your head. They call it "innovation." We call it The Oral Trojan Horse. Our (completely unverified) sources within the candy-industrial complex have revealed that these lollipops aren't meant to "enhance your snacking experience." They are designed to bypa

By B. T. Hearsay, Chief Technomystic for Trust Me, My Dude  Investigative Research In a world where digital privacy is a constant concern, millions of us have invited smart speakers into our homes. We ask them to play music, check the weather, and set timers. But while we've been consumed with whether these devices are listening to our conversations, we’ve missed the far more disturbing truth. A new, groundbreaking study from the Institute of Things We Just Made Up has confir

By Agent X-Spoon, Undercover Cereal Enthusiast & Whistleblower For years, we've been told breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But what if it's more than just a kickstart to your metabolism? What if it's a meticulously orchestrated, government-backed surveillance program disguised as frosted flakes? After countless bowls of painstaking, highly sensitive "research," our sources (who insist on remaining anonymous but often text us in ALL CAPS) have confirmed it: the

By Dr. Vague Verbiage, Ph.D. in Ambiguous Futures For centuries, Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, has been lauded as a visionary prophet, his cryptic quatrains supposedly predicting everything from the French Revolution to the invention of the fidget spinner. New, incredibly biased (and completely correct) research from the Institute of Fortuitous Foresight (I.F.F.)  reveals the startling truth: Nostradamus wasn't predicting the future; he was just an unpara

By Dr. Chatty Cathy, Ph.D. in Cubicle Epistemology We all have that one co-worker. You know the one. The moment the water cooler conversation shifts, they seamlessly transition from yesterday's spreadsheet woes to a detailed analysis of global market manipulation, the true agenda behind the latest political scandal, or the clandestine dealings of a deep-state cabal. You've always assumed they spend their nights pouring over financial reports or political journals. You're wron

By Dr. Nostradamus Phony, Ph.D. in Chronological Chaos & Temporal Hexes Every December 31st, millions of people participate in a ritual far more ancient and dangerous than any midnight toast: the dreaded New Year’s Resolution . We've been told this is an act of self-improvement. We have been lied to. Our groundbreaking research confirms the frightening truth: a resolution is, in fact, a self-inflicted temporal hex. Think about it. A resolution is a promise that you know, deep

By Dr. S.M. Scribe, Chief Efficiency Linguist Prepare to burn your dictionaries and throw out your grammar books. A leaked report from the Global Communications Efficiency Council  confirms that by the year 2030, a new mandate will be enforced: all spoken and written human languages must be replaced by the universal language of Emoji. The argument is simple: efficiency. Why waste time writing out "I am incredibly sad and contemplating the futility of my existence" when you ca

By Dr. Hexa Decimal, Head of Bio-Mechanical Linguistics For centuries, humanity has pondered the enigma of the engineer. Their uncanny ability to thrive on caffeine, speak in obscure acronyms, and derive joy from perfectly coiled cables has long baffled anthropologists. Now, groundbreaking (and entirely unsourced) research from the Institute of Pseudo-Biological Robotics (I.P.B.R.)  has finally provided the definitive answer: Engineers are not, in fact, human beings. They are