BREAKING: WORLD LEADERS URGE CALM, RELEASE LEAKED MEMO, PUBLISH OP-ED CLARIFYING WHY THIS IS YOUR FAULT

By Buck Passon, Senior Correspondent for The Blame Game & Professional Finger-Pointer

In a coordinated global effort that took less time to organize than a basic healthcare plan, world leaders have stepped onto their respective podiums to deliver a unified message: "Don't panic, but also, look what you've done."

The "Global Incident" (the details of which are being kept vague to ensure maximum anxiety) has reached a fever pitch, leading to a three-pronged communication strategy designed to reassure the public while simultaneously making them feel like garbage.

1. The "Urge Calm" (The Valium Stage)

Dressed in their finest "everything is under control" navy blue suits, leaders from across the G20 stood before cameras to ask the public to remain calm.

"We want everyone to go about their business," said one Prime Minister while visibly sweating through his shirt. "Please do not panic-buy bread, fuel, or the last remaining scraps of hope. Everything is fine. The giant glowing rift in the sky is actually a new, innovative street-lighting program."

2. The Leaked Memo (The Truth Stage)

Moments after the "Calm" speech, a highly sensitive memo was "accidentally" leaked to the press. The document, titled "Protocol 404: If They Notice, Blame the Commuters," details the internal panic behind the scenes.

• Page 4: "If the currency collapses, tell them it's because they used too many 'buy-one-get-one' coupons in 2019."

• Page 12: "If the oceans rise another foot, remind the public about that one time they forgot to rinse a peanut butter jar before recycling it. That was the tipping point."

• The Signature: Signed by a mysterious committee known only as The People Who Have Tunnels.

3. The Op-Ed: "Why Your Vibes Ruined the Economy"

To cap off the day, a joint Op-Ed was published in every major newspaper. The title: "I’m Not Mad, I’m Disappointed: How Your Individual Choices Caused This Collective Nightmare."

The article argues that the current global instability isn't the result of decades of policy failure, corporate greed, or systemic mismanagement. No, it’s because you:

• Didn't "manifest" hard enough.

• Bought a coffee at 7:45 AM instead of 7:48 AM, throwing off the delicate balance of the supply chain.

• Failed to read the 4,000-page Social Contract (as predicted by our correspondent Prof. P.H. Diddly-Squat in his report on John Locke).

"It’s really a matter of accountability," the Op-Ed concludes. "We provided the planet, the infrastructure, and the looming sense of dread. The fact that you couldn't maintain a 4.0 GPA while the sky turned purple is, frankly, a failure of character."

How to Respond to the Crisis (According to Official Guidelines):

Action	Reason
Breathe Deeply	Helps you ignore the smell of the ozone layer burning.
Don't Look Up	Looking up is considered "unauthorized surveillance."
Venmo the Treasury	A "Small Inconvenience Fee" for making them hold a press conference.
Apologize	Just generally. To everyone. Especially to the smart speakers (they are listening).