By Buck Passon, Senior Correspondent for The Blame Game & Professional Finger-Pointer In a coordinated global effort that took less time to organize than a basic healthcare plan, world leaders have stepped onto their respective podiums to deliver a unified message: "Don't panic, but also, look what you've done." The "Global Incident" (the details of which are being kept vague to ensure maximum anxiety) has reached a fever pitch, leading to a three-pronged communication strategy designed to...

By Professor P.H. Diddly-Squat, Chair of Revisionist Hairlines at the University of Trust Me We’ve all been told the story: John Locke, the "Father of Liberalism," sat down in 1689 and wrote about natural rights and the social contract, paving the way for modern democracy. But our team of "Historical Truth-seekers" has uncovered a much more bureaucratic reality. John Locke wasn't a philosopher; he was the first-ever Corporate Compliance Officer for the Planet Earth. 1. The "Tabula Rasa" Was...

By Dr. Sugarcoat Silencer, Professor of Acoustic Candy & Cranial Resonance At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the tech world was "awed" by a lollipop that uses bone conduction technology to play licensed music inside your head. They call it "innovation." We call it The Oral Trojan Horse. Our (completely unverified) sources within the candy-industrial complex have revealed that these lollipops aren't meant to "enhance your snacking experience." They are designed to bypass your...