Your Co-Worker Isn't Smart, They're Just a Human RSS Feed for Conspiracy Theories

By Dr. Chatty Cathy, Ph.D. in Cubicle Epistemology

We all have that one co-worker. You know the one. The moment the water cooler conversation shifts, they seamlessly transition from yesterday's spreadsheet woes to a detailed analysis of global market manipulation, the true agenda behind the latest political scandal, or the clandestine dealings of a deep-state cabal.

You've always assumed they spend their nights pouring over financial reports or political journals. You're wrong. Groundbreaking (and utterly unfounded) research from the Institute of Unsolicited Opinions (I.U.O.) reveals the startling truth: Your co-worker isn't smart; they are merely a biological RSS feed for unverified, algorithmically-generated internet content.

The Symbiotic Relationship of Stupidity

The I.U.O. has discovered that these "all-knowing" individuals aren't actively seeking information. Instead, they possess a unique neuro-receptor that passively absorbs vast quantities of unfiltered internet data, primarily from comment sections, obscure forums, and clickbait articles with aggressive red circles.

• The Brain's "Spam Filter" is Broken: Unlike normal humans who possess a cognitive "spam filter," these co-workers have a neural pathway that bypasses critical thinking and directly routes speculative content to their verbal output centers. They don't think these things; they merely relay them.

• The "Water Cooler Ping": The moment a topic like "inflation" or "the new mayor" is mentioned, it acts as a "ping" that triggers a data dump. Their brain downloads a pre-packaged opinion, complete with convincing (but baseless) supporting arguments and urgent warnings.

• The Source of Confidence: Their unwavering certainty isn't born from expertise, but from the lack of internal doubt. Since the information arrived fully formed and unfiltered, their brain interprets it as fundamental truth, much like how your computer trusts its own operating system.

How to Identify a Human RSS Feed

Look for these key indicators:

• Sudden Topic Shifts: They can pivot from discussing printer ink to the geopolitical ramifications of lunar colonization in a single breath.

• Unprovable "Facts": Their statements often begin with, "Everyone knows..." or "It's obvious that..." followed by information that is anything but obvious or known by anyone.

• The "Just Asking Questions" Gambit: When challenged, they retreat to this classic line, not because they're genuinely curious, but because their internal RSS feed hasn't provided the counter-arguments yet.

"These individuals aren't malicious," explained Dr. Chatty Cathy. "They're just biological proxy servers for the internet's most questionable content. Engaging them in debate is like arguing with a router; it just keeps spitting out more data until you pull the plug."

The I.U.O. recommends simply nodding, making eye contact with the ceiling, and slowly backing away. Your co-worker will simply re-buffer and find another unsuspecting ear.