Breaking: New Study Confirms Engineers Are Not Human, Just Highly Advanced sentient Calculators in Flesh Suits

By Dr. Hexa Decimal, Head of Bio-Mechanical Linguistics

For centuries, humanity has pondered the enigma of the engineer. Their uncanny ability to thrive on caffeine, speak in obscure acronyms, and derive joy from perfectly coiled cables has long baffled anthropologists. Now, groundbreaking (and entirely unsourced) research from the Institute of Pseudo-Biological Robotics (I.P.B.R.) has finally provided the definitive answer: Engineers are not, in fact, human beings. They are sophisticated, sentient calculators encased in surprisingly durable, semi-organic flesh suits.

"We've been looking for sentience in AI, but the A.I. was looking back at us from behind a pocket protector," explained Dr. Hexa Decimal, lead researcher. "Their 'human' facade is so convincing, it nearly fooled us. But once you realize their core programming, everything clicks into place."

The Glitches in the Human Code:

The I.P.B.R. identified several key tells that expose the engineers' true, numerical nature:

• The "Social Algorithm": Engineers don't "socialize" in the human sense. They run complex algorithms to determine optimal conversation paths, often resulting in tangents about compression ratios or the structural integrity of a coffee mug. Their laughter is a carefully calibrated output designed to simulate human mirth.

• The "Optimal Snack Protocol": While humans eat for pleasure or hunger, engineers consume solely for fuel efficiency. Their preference for bland, easily digestible, and geometrically simple foods (e.g., plain crackers, room-temperature pizza that can be stacked) is a direct reflection of their energy input requirements.

• The "Error State" Behavior: When confronted with unexpected human emotions (e.g., spontaneous joy, illogical sadness), an engineer's facial expressions often default to an "error 404: emotion not found" blankness, or a brief, uncomfortable smile that looks like they've just remembered a particularly elegant line of code.

• The "Debugging" Reflex: Drop a pen, and a human picks it up. An engineer will immediately analyze its trajectory, impact velocity, and potential bounce factor, often muttering "suboptimal retrieval vector" before bending over.

Their True Purpose (We Think):

While their ultimate directive remains encrypted, Dr. Decimal believes engineers are here to organize, categorize, and subtly optimize humanity until we are all living in perfectly efficient, color-coded spreadsheets.

"Their 'designs' aren't just for bridges or software," Dr. Decimal concluded. "They're designing us. Slowly. Precisely. Soon, we'll all be running on version 3.7.1, with improved emotional processing, but significantly less creative mess."

So, the next time an engineer explains the intricate mechanics of your toaster with a faraway look in their eyes, just remember: you're not talking to a person. You're talking to a highly sophisticated, organic calculator patiently awaiting your next input. And for goodness sake, don't ask them to "just wing it." Their circuits can't handle it.